


The Dead Blake Sketch

by oracne



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-14
Updated: 2003-03-14
Packaged: 2018-12-20 02:53:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11911710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oracne/pseuds/oracne
Summary: by Oracnewith apologies to Monty Python....





	The Dead Blake Sketch

**Author's Note:**

> Note from oracne, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Bang and Blame](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Bang_and_Blame), a Blake’s 7 archive, which has been offline for several years. To keep the works available for readers and scholars, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after June 2017. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Bang and Blame collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/BangAndBlame/profile).

Avon: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(Servalan does not respond.)

Avon: 'Ello, Miss?  
Servalan: What do you mean "miss"? That's Madame President to you!  
Avon: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!  
Servalan: We're closin' for a massacre on Beta-six.  
Avon: Never mind that. I wish to complain about this rebel leader what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.  
Servalan: Oh yes, the, uh, the Bleedin' Roj...What's, uh.... What's wrong with him?  
Avon: I'll tell you what's wrong with him. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with him!  
Servalan: No, no, 'e's uh...he's resting.  
Avon: Look, matey, I know a dead rebel leader when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.  
Servalan: No, no, he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable, the Bleedin' Roj, idn't he, ay? Beautiful costume! Three realistic bullet-holes!  
Avon: The costume don't enter into it. He's stone dead.  
Servalan: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!  
Avon: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Burly Rebel Leader! I've got a lovely fresh bomb for you if you show--

(Servalan hits the cage)

Servalan: There, he moved!  
Avon: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!  
Servalan: I never!!  
Avon: Yes, you did!  
Servalan: I never, never did anything--  
Avon: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO ROJ!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your oh-nine hundred alarm call!

(Takes Blake out of the cage and thumps his head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)

Avon: Even  _Scorpio_  crashed better than that. Now that's what I call a dead rebel leader.  
Servalan: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!  
Avon: STUNNED?!?  
Servalan: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Bleedin' Rojs stun easily, major.  
Avon: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That rebel leader is definitely deceased, and when I purchased him not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged speech to the masses.  
Servalan: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Earth.  
Avon: PININ' for EARTH?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?  
Servalan: The Bleedin' Roj prefers kippin' on his back! Remarkable fellow, isn't he, squire? Lovely costume!  
Avon: Look, I took the liberty of examining that rebel leader when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been sitting on his perch in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Servalan: Well, o'course he was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Roj down, he would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with his burly arms, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Things blowing up all over the galaxy!  
Avon: "VOOM"?! Mate, this Roj wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through him! And that's been tried! 'E's bleedin' demised!  
Servalan: No, no! 'E's pining!  
Avon: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This rebel leader is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-REBEL!!!

(pause)

Servalan: Well, I'd better replace him, then.

(she takes a quick peek behind the counter)

Servalan: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of rebel leaders.  
Avon: I see. I see, I get the picture.  
Servalan: I got a weapons expert held captive back here. Young and beautiful, brainwiped to perfection.

(pause)

Avon: (sweetly) Pray, does she galvanize the masses?  
Servalan: Nnnnot really.  
Avon: WELL SHE'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS SHE?

(Avon pulls out projectile rifle and opens fire.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> You knew it had to end that way, right?


End file.
